Shameful Truths Chapter One
by Cerridwen1
Summary: This story stays true to my life and what I've went through from the ages of 12-14


I must have been lying there in bed for at least four hours, staring blankly into the white abyss that lay in front of my tired eyes. I collected the tears one by one as they trailed wet pathways down my cheeks. My door opened a crack and I broke my breaking gaze into the ceiling to see my cat grazing slowly across my floor. I stared at her black patches and then at her white ones, and began to compare her colors to my life. I reached down gently and picked her up and set her on my lap. She looked up at me blankly as though she was wondering what was wrong. I kissed her little wet nose, and pet her slowly. She purred, and I smiled, she always loved it when I paid attention to her. She stopped and looked up at me and hopped off my bed and into the chair and stared at the wall listening to the birds scratching slowly at it. I laid back down in bed, and looked out my window at the silky black blanket that covered the sky. It seemed endless as I counted the little glowing embers that glistened in the sky. 

I brushed my hair from the side of my face and tucked it behind my ear, and my cat jumped at my arm. I gasped at the surprise then laughed. She jumped back up onto my stomach and sat there, I brought my hand to her face and scratched behind her ear, she licked my hand in return. She seemed to be thanking me for my kindness. As she drifted off to sleep I couldn't help but think about my past. I wiped away another small tear that had slowly found it's way past my cheek to my jaw line. I sniffled and turned over onto my side as my cat fell next to me. I smiled at it, and it stared at me, and then fell back to sleep. I brought one of my pillows into my chest and cuddled with it, my face half-and-half into the pillow. I pulled my covers up a little more and the tears slowly began to fall again, as I buried my face into the pillow case. I began to wonder to myself, why do I care so much, why do I need so much? But yet say I need so little?. I tossed my pillow aside and sat back up in bed, again wiping away a few small tears from my eyes. I pulled my covers down and placed my feet on the floor standing up. I sat in my chair by the window and looked out at the moon. It was glowing a harvest red, it was full, big, and breath taking. 

The faint clouds drifted slowly in front of the moon blocking its light, and making it's beauty seem dark and cold. I began to wonder if, the moon, too, could feel. I then told myself, no, it's just an object. Objects don't have feelings. But… maybe, just maybe this object… could feel. I mean, it gives off light, it floats aimlessly around earth… maybe it could feel. It's past… whatever it may be, forming from matter, fast, sharp impacts, it may not be living… but I'm sure it can feel something. I wonder if it's lonely?, but it has the stars. What if one of those falling stars we see every now and then… are its friends?. So maybe if stars can live… and die… then maybe the moon, that glowing gem, can live, and die too. Or maybe those stars… just fall cause of lovers, ... lovers who have to face the truth? Like me. 

I shook my trance off that the moon seemed to have over me, and looked left into the surrounding constellations. I placed my hand on my stomach and thoughts consumed my head. A tear traced over the tip of my nose and fell onto my lips below, and stained them with the warm salty taste. I licked my lips and tasted the bitter taste of my feelings as I cringed at the thought of being a mother. I traced my fingers around my stomach softly as a tear slipped past the barrier of my chin hitting my hand. Many decisions ran through my head as I thought of abortion, adoption, and suicide. Why did things like this always happen to me? 

I laid myself back down onto my bed, and listened to the rain as it began to fall outside my windowpane. The small droplets seemed to make faces at me as they slid down the glass. They seemed to look in at me and laugh, then start to cry as they made their way down. Before I knew it I was drifting off to sleep. 

I woke up the next day about noon to the sound of my mom cleaning the kitchen below me. The sound of the dishes clanging and the slamming of the door made it hard for me to fall back to sleep. I could tell it was going to be one of those days where I just didn't want to do anything. I yawned and stretched then sat up in my bed. Peering outside to the sidewalk I noticed the busy world outside of me. The people rushing by on bike, in cars, or just walking. Why did life always have to be rushed? Or so it seemed. Maybe it was just me, and the way my life had turned out to be, or what was left of it. Silence filled my head, and I began to visualize a place, a place all my own. Where NO ONE knew me, where I was the odd one out. (See what you may get from me, and the way I act is that I think I'm the only one that feel's this way, or that these things happen to). 

Fear began to fill my place, a fear of telling my mother I was pregnant... a fear of telling anyone. A fear... of letting them down but, not only them, but myself as well. I collected my thoughts and got up to get dressed. I slipped on my baggy oversized sweatshirt that my brother had let me borrow the night before, and my faded blue jeans and began to walk out of my room. As I did my stomach began to churn, and It just happened to be one of the feelings in the world that I hate the most. I ran down the steps and flew into the bathroom and stumbled over my feet as I made my way to the toilet and vomited. I gagged, and heaved as the chunks rose into my throat one after another. Time went by and it seemed like hours even though it had only been 5 minutes. My mom taped on the door hesitantly. 

"Are you okay?" she asked.

I nodded to give myself reassurance then quietly said _yes_. I spaced out for a minute then stood up slowly slumping over to the sink and leaning on it slightly. Turning on the water I looked into the mirror and into my eyes. All I saw was pain and fear... and I was going to be a mother... and no one knew...


End file.
